Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Just Plain Awful

Lord Douchebag of the San Antonio Gunslingers has come up with this interesting little blog roundtable to get us through the dry months before football officially starts. Never one to pass up on opportunities to expound upon my sever nerdosity (nerdisity?) here are my answers.

1)What is the worst DVD/video you own?

Oh, you are heading into dangerous territory with this one. I threw out my porn collection years ago (well my physical porn collection, god bless the internet). So unlike Orson I won’t be taking the easy way out. But I have a strong history of intentionally and occasionally unintentionally buying absolutely terrible films. I use to play MST3K with my buddies in HS and college so I have a strong collection of movies that would make your eyes bleed. That being said, I’m going with the copy of Caddyshack II that I accidentally bought instead of Caddyshack.

A lot of people don’t know this, but the writers of Caddyshack II have to kill a puppy just to get an erection now. It was their punishment from the movie gods for destroying an absolutely classic film. He may not have died for 15 more years, but I also blame Caddyshack II for the death of Robert Stack. This movie is a vicious killer that should no longer be ignored.

Scientists have proven that Caddyshack II is the source of all types of leukemia.

2)What is the worst concert you've ever seen in person?

I have actually not been to a lot of concerts, but I can definitely still contribute to this without reaching into the annals of my college days and listing one of many absolutely bowel looseningly awful band parties that I attended. I would have to go with the time I saw Chingy right before Ludacris at the Tabernacle back in 2004. The opening act was David Banner, who I hadn’t heard of at the time, he was awesome. The highlight of the show was him setting aside the fifth he had been liberally drinking throughout the concert to have a quick round of prayer.

Ludacris was really on that night, much better than he was at Music Midtown the same year. The only real negative spot of the evening was Chingy and his poor sidekick with the broken leg trying to bounce around the stage to too much bass with a mic in one hand and a crutch in the other. What made it so terrible? Well, it’s hard to say. At the time he only had one recognizable single and the rest of his songs lacked the same energy. The sound crew had the bass way too loud even for a rap concert. And his rhyming just wasn’t as interesting in person as it was on the radio.

3)What is the worst experience you've ever had at a restaurant?

I’m going to be completely honest here and admit that I am(was) a gamer. Meaning that I understood Paul Westerdawg’s joke about Radakovich introducing Clough to Harlan Ellison and Gary Gygax a little too well. With that in mind, I have spent many a 3 and 4 AM at the Denny’s on Macon Road in Columbus, GA. The food isn’t bad for a Denny’s and the service is surprisingly friendly considering the bevy of toothless unwed mothers surrounding you. No the problem is that you also have to deal with all of the art house assholes on their 157th cup of coffee talking about postmodernism and Foucault throughout the night (invariably misunderstanding either). Mix that in the with bitter drunks that just got done striking out against the toothless un-wed mothers that were off that night at one of Columbus’ many “fine” bars and well you’re surrounded up to your tits in the intellectual dregs of society.

But when the Grand Slam Breakfast calls, you have to answer.

4)What is the worst movie you've ever seen in the theatre?

This one isn’t that hard at all even though I have actually seen movies “worse” than the one I’m about to list. Much like my VHS and DVD collection, I have been to see many many terrible films in the theater. Batman & Robin, Dungeons & Dragons, No Holds Barred all spring to mind. But I went into this films knowing that the fun was going to be in their awfulness. I was prepared for the cinematographic shit to hit the sensorial fan. Sometimes the film was more painful than expected, Batman & Robin, but I still had some prep time before the visual assault.

But every now and again you head into a film all atwitter about its possibilities and its potential. Your friends have come back and told you what a wonderful movie it is and you must go and see it before the terrorists take this wonderment away. Maybe they are playing a cruel trick on you. Maybe they just really hate you, but unbeknownst to you the time has come to enter into a film that has been shown to cause AIDS in laboratory animals. This film for me was Starship Troopers.

First of all, Starship Troopers is one of my favorite books of all time. Ranking just behind Stranger in a Strangeland on the all time list. So to see Paul “Showgirls” Verhoeven’s adaptation of a treasure of American literature was jarring to say the list. No, that’s really not a strong enough statement. I think I could go home eat my copy of Starship Troopers, drop the subsequent deuce on a ream of computer paper, and produce a better script than this festering hemorrhoid of a film. I hate, hate, hate this movie. I want all the bad things in the world to happen to Paul Verhoeven and only Paul Verhoeven. Now excuse me, I have to go put some more water in Casper Van Diem’s mother’s dish.
Where the fuck are the drop suits you gigantic Dutch hack!?!

5)What is the worst book you've actually finished?

Now this is a tough one, because I usually have no trouble setting a book down if I don’t like it. So I’ll have to go with some book that I was forced to read for school . . . ah hah . . . I’m going with Catcher in the Rye.

I don’t think it’s actually fair to the book, because I still think my 9th grade English teacher was somewhere between spore mode and a fiddler crab in terms of evolutionary development and thus didn’t give me a better appreciation of the book. As for my memories, I just thought the whole book read like one of the worse episodes of My So Called Life. I just never got into the troubles of teenagers angle. Mostly because I had a truly shitty 5 year stretch leading up to and including my freshman year of high school so spoiled rich kids that didn’t get asked to the prom just didn’t really resonate with me. I mostly felt that Holden Caulfield just needed a good old fashioned ass-whupping. Of course this was the same point in my life that I wrote a paper arguing that The Old Man and the Sea maybe didn’t have anymore significance that being about a guy that caught a really big fish. I think it’s fair to say that I hadn’t quite find the art in my soul yet. Still, in terms of just memories I’m going with Catcher in the Rye until I read it again and maybe understand it better without Mrs. TeachFromtheCliffNotes guiding my understanding.

6)Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”?

Another tough call here. I mean the opportunities for some good old fashioned hate sex are about endless. But as an old wrestling fan I think I would go with Joanie Lauer, aka Chyna. Surviving that experience would be worth the story alone.

Sadly this was the most flattering SFW picture I could find. I have a healthy fear of this women.


Anonymous Orson Swindle said...

Chyna...go big, man. Go BIG.

6:25 PM  

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