Thursday, January 05, 2006

ESPN it's just time to keep Simmons away from College Sports

Orson covers it pretty well over at Every Day Should be Saturday, but I thought I would put some of my own thoughts down about the column.

First let me say, I have enjoyed Simmons for a long time. I first found him on Page 2 and in a lot of ways the passion he wrote with back when he first started contributed a lot towards my own growing sports fandom. That being said, I have battled in the last year with dealing with his increasingly mediocre writing and metamorphosis into a punch line worthy of his own columns. Has there become much difference between Bill Simmons and Dick Vitale or Stephen A. Smith? I mean other than Simmons is still somebody you have to go looking for to annoy you and ESPN has the medium to shove Vitale and Smith into my face on a nightly basis?

I mean are the phrases “watershed” and “The XXXX face” really different than “diaper dandy” or “PTP’er?” In any column you can count on a 90210 reference as easily as you can count on Stephen A. Smith saying, “there’s no question about it.” It’s been frightening, but I think Kevin Cott is slowly surpassing him and this is a guy that until he got the Intern job was working his way towards being a lawyer.

I still enjoy some of his writing. When he sticks with what he knows like the NBA, mailbags, or movies (bring back the fucking sports movie write-ups they are the best thing you have written in the last 12 months) then I still find him entertaining. He has definitely lost his fastball, but he can still write a column that I at least enjoy and maybe chuckle once or twice during.

As for the most offensive part of the columns, though his blatant ignorance of the two best teams in the nation is pretty damn offensive, let’s see it in text and then dissect it some.

"I loved watching the Monday Bowl games, when the No. 9 team was battling the No. 12 team, and people were pretending that this was even remotely interesting. Oooooooh, if they lose, they could drop from No. 9 to No. 14 for the season! Who cares? Does anyone even keep track of this stuff? Imagine if, one day before the NFL playoffs started, San Diego played Kansas City to determine who was the 13th best team in the NFL? Or what if the AFC and NFC Championship losers met one day before the Super Bowl to battle for the No. 3 ranking? Would anyone care? Of course not. So why would anyone follow these meaningless college bowl games? I find the whole thing perplexing. Back to the column."

I’m going to dissect this part line by line, but let me tell you that the rest of the column was equally putrid with a dash of just plain retarded thrown in. How can somebody work for fucking ESPN and be this ignorant of college sports? For the love of god some of that shit would had to have rubbed off on him somewhere. I mean when Skip Bayless, who is eating a healthy amount of crow between eyebrow tweezings, comes across as more knowledgeable than you about anything, besides manscaping techniques, you have some serious goddamn problems.

As for the quote above let’s look at some of this horseshit:

"I loved watching the Monday Bowl games, when the No. 9 team was battling the No. 12 team, and people were pretending that this was even remotely interesting."

Hey Bill, it might just be my ability to remember something other than stale jokes, but didn’t you buy fucking Clippers tickets when you moved out to LA? I mean watching two great college football teams play in their final game of the season and dozens of seniors play in the last football game of their entire sports career doesn’t hold a candle to courtside seats at one of the most irrelevant, until this season, NBA franchises of all time. You also fucking Tivo episodes of 90210, but just recently learned about 24 so let’s not get into making fun of other people’s hobbies.

"Oooooooh, if they lose, they could drop from No. 9 to No. 14 for the season! Who cares? Does anyone even keep track of this stuff?"

Yes! Your goddamn sports writing brethren who manage to shit out a thousand ridiculous pre-season columns based on how teams finished the regular seasons. Not to mention fans looking for bragging rights over their regional rivals and most importantly of all the goddamn recruiting prospects! How can you be this ignorant of college athletics? You fucking have a degree and you wrote for your school paper. At some rudimentary level you must understand how this works and why even the WhoGivesAGoodGoddamn.com bowl can have some impact on your program.

"Imagine if, one day before the NFL playoffs started, San Diego played Kansas City to determine who was the 13th best team in the NFL? Or what if the AFC and NFC Championship losers met one day before the Super Bowl to battle for the No. 3 ranking? Would anyone care? Of course not."

I bet San Diego fans and Kansas City fans would care. I bet general football fans would care. Why? Because it means we get another game you asshole. Jesus, you wrote a column just two years ago about how much the sports purgatory of waiting for spring training to start once the Super Bowl is over sucks. And you can’t think why people would want to squeak just one more game out of their beloved teams in their beloved sport? Do you have a team of helper monkeys belting these columns out lately?

"So why would anyone follow these meaningless college bowl games? I find the whole thing perplexing. Back to the column."

It’s called pride you douchebag. That thing you had to swallow when it was time to admit to yourself you couldn’t hack it on Kimmel’s show. The thing you sold when you bombed on I Love the 90’s Strikes Back Again for the First Time (after whining about how the first one shouldn’t have existed yet in your column might I remind you.)

You know the thing you used to take in your writing before you started mailing it in every week like all of the Patriots, Celtics, and Red Sox you’ve thrown under the bus after they asked to be traded out of that shit-ass town and weren’t.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home